February, 2009

So many jokes, so few days.

Short as February was, we managed to have a little fun with it, didn't we? But the time has come to move on, put one more stinking winter month behind us and look towards spring

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February 28, 2009

A guy walks into a doctors office with a 5 iron wrapped around his neck and 2 black eyes.
"What happened to you?" asked the doctor.
"Well it all started when my wife and I were golfing and by accident she hit the ball into a cow field."
"When we went to investigate, I saw the ball in a cow's ass. I went and lifted the tail of the cow and that's when I made my mistake."

The doctor looked puzzled and asked, "What mistake was that?"
"I said 'Hey this looks like yours hun!'

February 27, 2009

Submitted by Abbie

Oldies, but worth revisiting

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path.

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Is a Texas Tornado And an Alabama Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer!

February 26, 2009

Two blondes are out for a walk when they come across some tracks in the snow.

 "Look!",says the first blonde, "Deer tracks!"
 "No," says the second, "Those are bear tracks!"
"Deer tracks!", "Bear tracks!"
 "Deer tracks!", "Bear tracks!"

And they were still arguing ten minutes later when they were hit by the train.....

February 25, 2009

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

February 24, 2009

There was this old woman who heard a song called "Two Lips and Seven Kisses." She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record company. In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, "Do you have "Two Lips and Seven Kisses?"

The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, "No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!"
So the woman asked, "Is this a record?"
To which the man replied, "No, its average!"

February 23, 2009

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."


February 22, 2009

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde, crew member to take care of the box for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen,
mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin,
"Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:
1. Men never learn.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most men think.

February 21, 2009

Just to prove to you this page will not ALWAYS be borderline pornography

For the kids:

What goes down the railroad track carrying bubble gum?
A chew chew train.

Why did the car get a stomach ache?
It had a lot of gas.

What would you call Batman after he gets run over by a bus?

February 20, 2009

Submitted by Richard

Important Information

In effect 01/01/2009 for the entire country, mandated by the Ministry of Transport
A new seatbelt design will be mandatory for all new motor vehicles in Canada.

According to the Ministry, this new design will result in a 45% reduction in number of accidents, and save countless lives,
but only if correctly installed and used.

Please see the illustration below for the proper installation:



February 19, 2009

Schmidlap's sitting with his wife at a football game.
Every few minutes, a different guy comes over and fondles her.
They're squeezing her tits, reaching up her dress, fingering her, grinding against her knees...and Schmidlap just sits there and accepts it.
Finally, the guy sitting next to him says, "Don't you see what the hell is going on?"
Schmidlap says, "Of course."
The guy says, "Why'd you bring her to the game?"
Schmidlap says, "Because if I leave her home, everybody goes to my house and f*cks her."

February 18, 2009

A congregation honors a rabbi for twenty-five years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all-expenses paid.
When he walks into his room, there's a nude girl lying on the bed.
He picks up the phone, calls his temple, and says, "Where is your respect? As your rabbi, I am very, very angry with you."
The girl gets up and start to get dressed.
He says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry at you."

February 17, 2009

No matter what situations life throws at you, n matter how long and treacherous the road may seem, remember:

There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

February 16, 2009

Remember, we do not do political correctness here!

A little kid says, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"
She says, "From what I remember about that party, you're lucky you don't bark."

February 15, 2009

Many or  these you may have already seen, but they still never fail to amuse.....me

Actual call center conversations!

Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through;
can you help?'
Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'
Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'
Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'
Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I
need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and
telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the
number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
traveling in Australia?'
Operator: 'Does the product name give you a clue?'
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe)
'If I register my car in France, and then take it to England, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland.'
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'
Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'
Customer: 'OK.'
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'

Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can
you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'
Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?'
This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words
went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared'
Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just
one? '
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is?'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean
way over?'
Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's
because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark?'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window.'
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not?'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it
licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and
packing stuff that your computer came in?'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it
up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to
the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!'


February 14, 2009

Nobody likes to die alone, tied up in a shed, having been tortured for days...so, Be My Valentine.


So, Valentine's day is near and I've just finished sorting out the big day I've got planned.
Nice meal at a fancy restaurant
Go for some drinks and a posh new wine bar
Midnight barefoot walk down the beach

The wife will have the time of her life - at home doing the ironing


The 14 best dysfunctional Valentine's Day cards

1) "Happy Valentines Day, I love you like a summers day, so donít expect it to last until dusk"
2) "Happy valentines Day- you're quite nice"
3) "Happy valentines Day- I find your presence tolerable"
4) "Happy Valentines Day I though about ya tits when I wanked the other night"
5) "Happy Valentines Day- you look a bit like someone I like better than you"
6) "Happy Valentines Day- you'll do for now"
7) "Happy Valentines Day, this is a card I hope to be sending to someone better next year"
8) "Happy Valentines Day, I donít want this cold winter to pass with out getting laid"
9) "Happy Valentines Day- be flattered that I'm using you because I'm awesome"
10) "Happy Val... Fuck it ya just not worth it"
11) "Happy Valentines Day- you remind me a bit of my sister"
12) "Happy Valentines Day If ya werenít on the same network as me I wouldnít text ya"
13) "Happy Valentines Day, my mum sent me this card last year"
14) "Merry Christmas- Its the only card I could find"

February 13, 2009

A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
"It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork,
"I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks about it for a second and says,
"Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

February 12, 2009

A vet has a bad day, but when he gets home, his wife is waiting for him with a drink & dinner, and then grabs his hand and leads him to bed.
At two in the morning, the phone rings, and an old lady says, "Is this Dr. Cantor?"
He says, "Yeah. Is this an emergency?"
She says, "Yes, it is. There's a whole bunch of cats on the roof right outside my window, and they're all f*cking, and they're making a terrible racket, and I can't get to sleep.
"What can I do?"
He says, "Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone."
She says, "Will that stop them?"
The vet says, "It stopped me."


February 11, 2009

A couple's under a tree making out.
The girl says, "Michael, I wish you had a flashlight."
He says, "Why's that?"
She says, "Because you've been eating grass for fifteen minutes."

February 10, 2009

The rescue team finds the crashed airplane.
The lone survivor is Dominic Barbara. He's chewing on a bone, with a huge pile of human bones next to him, and they're all in shock.
The guy says, "You can't judge me for what I'm doing. You were never in a situation like this. I had to survive."
The leader of the rescue team says, "Jesus Christ, Dominic. Your plane only went down yesterday."

February 9, 2009

A blonde walks in to The Emergency Room with her finger all mangled, and the E.R. doctor says, "What happened?"
She says, "Well, I wanted to commit suicide, so I took a gun and I put to my chest.
But then I thought, I don't want to wreck my ten-thousand dollar breasts.
So I put the gun in my mouth.
But then I thought, I don't want to ruin twelve thousand dollars of dental work.
So I decided to stick the gun in my ear.

Then I thought, You know, this is going to be really loud."

(if you didn't get it, write me and I will explain it to you........slowly)

A skeleton walks into a bar.
He say, "Give me a beer and a mop."

February 8, 2009

Submitted by Karen

My friend and I took her dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92).
We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
Her dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing her dad would have a good response, I quickly swallowed my food so I wouldn't choke.

In classic style, he didn't bat an eye and replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

February 7, 2009

(told you there were more)

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly
contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common
And the winners are:

1. Coffee , n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted , adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate , v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4 esplanade , v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly , adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent , adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph , v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle , n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence , n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline..
11. Testicle , n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude , n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon , n.. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster , n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism , n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent , n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

February 6, 2009

The 6 Affairs

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded..
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying Bastard!
You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home
"I have something to show you, you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"

The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly:
"I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, " his wife replied. "No," he insisted,
"I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work."

February 5, 2009

Contributed by Mrs  Clair

Here's the worst joke ever. Please pull it on your friends & share the insanity...

Say, "That sucks about the actress that was stabbed in Los Angeles this morning. Reese..."
The other person will always pipe in, "Witherspoon?"
And you say, "No, with a knife."

So, so stupid. But they'll go on to tell twenty other people.

February 4, 2009

And now, in honour of the most important day of the year:

It was Jimís birthday, and he was considered to be an old man by his friends standards. So, to liven him up a bit, Jimís friends decided to give him something special for his birthday. They bought him a hooker.

The call girl, as she preferred to be called, went to his house and knocked on the door. When Jim answered, she said "Hi Iím your birthday present!"

Startled, he asked "What am I supposed to do with you?"

"Iím yours for super sex,"
she answers.

So Jim replied "Well, Iím 75 years old so Iíll have the soup."


February 3, 2009

Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked
readers  to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition

The winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.
   The bozone layer, unfortunately,hows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right?
     And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido : All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

(if you enjoy these, there will be more to come soon)

February 2, 2009

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I'll bet you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he answered as if he was offended, and left for the office.
At 10:00 a.m., the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box of a dozen long stemmed red roses.
At 1:00 p.m., a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates was delivered. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.
The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.
"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed.
"I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!


Q: What happened when the groundhog met the dogcatcher?
A: He became a pound hog!

Q: What's green, has four legs, and jumps out of its hole on February 2?
A: The ground frog!

February 1, 2009

 A young man was very excited because he just won a ticket to the
Super Bowl. His excitement lessened as he realized his seat was in the
back of the stadium. As he searched the rows ahead of him for a better
seat, he found an empty one right next to the field.
He approached the man sitting next to the empty seat and asked if it was
The man replied, "No."

Amazed the young man asked, "How could someone pass up a seat like this?"
The older gentleman responded, "That's my wife's seat. We've been to
every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she has
passed away."
"Oh, how sad," the man said. "I'm sorry to hear that, but couldn't you
find a friend or relative to come with you?"

"No," the man said, "They're all at the funeral."